Hyde Park Square

Cincinnati, O.

The Hyde Park Farmers Market has no shortage of delicious treats. But after an hour of collecting sweet peppers, tomatoes, and dandelion salad, one longs for that most simple of culinary pleasures - a drink of water. On the west side of the square this fountain has stood proudly for exactly one century. Apparently the 1910s were years of experimentation unseen by today's standards - this fountain was unlike any I'd ever enjoyed. Actuated by a hefty foot pedal, the water shoots directly upward into the drinker's mouth. Unimbibed water is caught by the rather ornate brass plate and drains concentrically around the spout.  It makes for a unique drinking experience, not dissimilar to how the dogs were lapping water up from a nearby decorative font. Tasty, novel, and historic - this is a must-drink for visitors to Cincinnati.

I'm glad to see the manufacturer is still in business!

Taste: 9
Comfort: 6
Temperature: 8
Trajectory: N/A

Pressure: 10
User Interface: 9

M&M's World

New York, NY

The enormous M&M's World in Times Square is one of the most colorful, vibrant, lively stores I've ever visited. M&M's were literally everywhere. Everywhere except my mouth, that is. But despite the dearth of free samples, M&M's were good enough to provide a water fountain on the third floor. Good thing too, because the more I think about M&M's, the more I want to eat M&M's. And the more I think about eating M&M's, the more I think about how thirsty I would be afterwards. So essentially I was able to cut out the tedious middle step of gorging on M&M's while still enjoying the final step where it would have led anyway: delicious, delicious water.

As you can see, it's a stainless steel Elkay fountain, conveniently provided in two heights, most likely to cater to the youthful visitors the shop primarily attracts. Unfortunately even the taller fountain required some unseemly bending on my part to take a sip. The fountain itself had a fine contour, in contrast with previously reviewed Elkays. Unfortunately upon first try it tasted a little metallic, and suboptimal in temperature, so I recommend that the water is left to run for at least ten seconds before drinking. It had a fine arc, and the button on the front made a satisfying click every time it was engaged. I was a little disappointed at first that the fountains weren't somehow decorated with M&M designs, seeing as almost every other square inch of this place covered. But then I realized that it was almost certainly the manager's intention to keep the dispensers of the world's purest thirst quencher refreshingly free of corporate labels. And for that I applaud you, M&M's World!

Taste: 7
Comfort: 5
Temperature: 6
Trajectory: 8
Pressure: 6
User Interface: 8

The King David Report

by Stefan Heym

At the beginning of February I asked someone with a large book collection what German author he would recommend. He handed me The King David Report, by Stefan Heym. He had actually purchased a copy of the book in English for the sole purpose of encouraging more non-Germans to read it. I am delighted he did. Named after an actual document found in the Old Testament, the novel is narrated by the author of said document, beginning with a seemingly harmless request from the titular king's son Solomon that his father's history be recorded. On the surface, the book can be thought of as a speculatively fictional behind-the-scenes bonus feature of the Bible. Heym takes the source text to illustrate, in a very plausible way, how might an ancient king's court deal with the making of history. In one hilarious scene, the committee discusses the cicumstances of David's meeting with Saul, his predecessor (and eventual usurpee). Everybody knows that David first met Saul when he was called to play music for the ailing king. But everybody also knows that Saul met David after demanding to see the boy who smote the phearsome Philistine Goliath. In the end it is decided that both should be included as historical record (as it is in the actual Bible). Finding the truth(s) about David's life is the task of Ethan, the narrator. But as he learns more about the real David, he finds himself torn between conveying the accurate and unflattering or the glorifying. It makes for a gripping tale of mystery, lust, and murder, all told with refreshingly dry biblical prose. You'd never guess that the book is also hilarious (it is!).

But it's not until one takes Heym's context into consideration that the value of the novel really comes to light. Any book written by an East German in 1973 is likely to be infused with criticism of the regime, and The King David Report is no exception. Themes in the novel – David's utopian kingdom, the editing of the past, the shiny surface of Solomon's temple-in-progress – all reflect Heym's times. As he says himself in the Author's Note, "Opinions might also differ on the question of whether The King David Report is to be considered a historical novel or a biblical one, or a story of today, charged with political meaning. To me, it is all three." Read this book!

Arclight Cinemas

Hollywood, CA
2nd Floor

Context is everything. But I suspect that even had I not sipped from this fountain immediately after being washed over by Terrence Malick's nourishing film The Tree of Life it would have left much to be desired. Anticipating a life affirming gulp of the very substance that enables our fragile existence on this tumultuous planet, I was instead met with a lukewarm lob of runoff. It was anything but an Arclight coming out of this poorly aligned stainless steel spout. Try as I might, it seems no amount of ponderous visual meditation on what it is to live will eliminate the dead taste from my mouth.

Taste: 4
Comfort: 3
Temperature: 5
Trajectory: 4
Pressure: 2
User Interface: 3

Never Let Me Go

by Kazuo Ishiguro

Recently I have found that books usually tend to win me over or lose me completely within their first few pages. Here's one that managed the former very easily, with its beautiful narration and thin shroud of mystery. It begins innocently enough, with the adult Kathy telling her story of growing up in an English preparatory school. Still, one can tell that there's something hidden in the recount that is a little bit... off. I am reluctant to reveal anything more about the plot, as I feel much of my enjoyment of this book came from knowing nothing about it beforehand. Ishiguro manages to give an extremely convincing voice to an unlikely class of characters. Upon finishing, one might protest that certain elements were left unexplained. I claim that by neglecting to provide answers the author adds to the strength and credibility of the narration. That is, the questions the reader has are questions that the narrator would never think to ask. Ishiguro remains defiantly faithful to his characters' perspectives, and in doing so denies his readers immediate gratification in favor of a more affecting outcome. Read this book!

Marcus Cinema

Marcus Oakdale Ultrascreen Cinema
Oakdale, MN
West Side

Eating popcorn tends to leave the viewer of even the most satisfying film with an uncomfortable thirst. Sadly, thanks to our country's obsession with enormous fountain drinks, the water fountains in movie theaters are often neglected by both patron and proprietor. It follows that I was pleasantly surprised to find this water fountain (pictured left) not merely a cheap and easy method to wash away residue salt from my palate, but indeed a source of hydratory delight! Go for the movie, stay for the water!

Taste: 10
Comfort: 4
Temperature: 9
Trajectory: 6
Pressure: 7
User Interface: 8

A Prayer for Owen Meany

by John Irving

Within fifty pages of this quarry of a novel, Irving makes it clear that his story will not end cheerfully. That is, if the reader has not already gathered that from the hilariously telling name of the New Hampshire town in which it is set, Gravesend. Though this does cast a grim shadow on the book, it somehow also enhances the reader's appreciation for the narrative's lightheartedness. It is told by Johnny Wheelwright, a forty-something-year-old expatriate living in Toronto. Jumping back and forth between his experience growing up in Gravesend and his uneventful life in Canada, his story effectively implants the reader with nostalgia for a New England childhood. Central to the book is its titular character, a boy as compelling as any character fiction can offer.

Much like in The World According to Garp and The Hotel New Hampshire, two other Irving books highly recommended by TTR, we are presented with not so much a story to observe, but a world to live in and a past on which to dwell. Irving so tirelessly describes every detail of every minute character, it is almost impossible to believe he is making it all up. There is a realness to the setting and its players that makes it easy to accept the supernatural events that occur.

Ultimately, the novel offers a rewarding (and extremely funny!) meditation on predestination, the Vietnam War, and, most importantly, what it means to be and to have a best friend.

Read this book!

EH

Engineering Hall
University of Illinois - Urbana, IL
Ground Floor

Within a space of thirty feet in the same hallway, these two Elkay fountains can be found. The first is between the women's bathroom and the vending room. It provides a good alternative to the overpriced pop machine a few steps away. It has a nice taste, but I must recommend taking a short walk east for a superior drink. The fountains may look identical, but the second is a good fifteen degrees colder. It also is nicely situated beneath a piece of art entitled "Rotocircle II" by Richard Allen. It's kinda weird, but better than a blank wall.


West:
Taste: 8
Comfort: 5
Temperature: 5
Trajectory: 6
Pressure: 7
User Interface: 7

East:
Taste: 8
Comfort: 5
Temperature: 10
Trajectory: 9
Pressure: 9
User Interface: 7

The Songlines

by Bruce Chatwin

The travel log is a genre of which I have long been suspicious. It seems like a playground for the pompous, what someone writes when his wandering suddenly makes him worth listening to for some reason. Though I would never call Bruce Chatwin a modest man, the boastings that appear in his book are thoroughly shadowed by the beautiful insight he shares throughout. He leaves the reader to assess every situation he presents, making the book more a report than an editorial.

The Songlines follows Chatwin's journey through the desolation of the Australian Outback, investigating the history and mythology of the Aboriginals. Each short chapter vividly describes an episode in his travels, be it an encounter with drunk racists in a pub or a run in with exploitative art traders. The book is filled with quirky characters, whose hilarious or heartbreaking tales bring depth to what could very well have been a bland thesis.

Perhaps most notable about the book is the tragic portrait it paints of the Aboriginals' lot in modern Australia. Chatwin artfully juxtaposes the immensely beautiful traditions of the natives with the wretched conditions into which they have been placed by ubiquitous oppressors.

At the core of the novel lies Chatwin's intriguing conjecture that man is inherently a migratory animal; that the restlessness an individual feels is a natural expression of longing to return to the nomadic lifestyle from whence we came. The final quarter of the book is a pouring of evidence in support of this theory, extending from Germanic folklore to Che Guevara to the Beadoins of North Africa. It can feel scatterbrained at times, but the connections he draws are uncanny.

This book is highly recommended to anyone interested in mythology, indigenous peoples, music, poetry, travel, Australia, archaeology, languages, and/or God. Please read it!

MEB

Mechanical Engineering Building
University of Illinois - Urbana, IL
Third Floor, Far East side of hallway

Here's a standard box fountain commonly found at UIUC. It's ugly, it's bulky, and often loud... but it gets the job done.

Taste: 7
Comfort: 7
Temperature: 8
Trajectory: 7
Pressure: 9
User Interface: 5

Mala Onda

by Alberto Fuguet

Told from the perspective of teenager Matías Vicuña, Mala Onda is an eight day window into the narrator’s mind, beginning with the end of a school trip to Rio de Janeiro. He’s a Chilean Holden Caulfield, and Fuguet knows this. He even calls attention to it half way through the book when Matías is given Catcher in the Rye from a friend. Whereas Salinger’s novel draws attention to primarily Holden as a character, Mala Onda uses Matías as a vessel to view Chile in 1980 just prior to the reelection/confirmation of General Pinochet as dictator. Matías’s turbulent lifestyle gives the reader a sense of the chaos Chile was experiencing under military rule. It’s the story of an adolescent who doesn’t know who he is, living in the capital of a country that doesn’t know where it wants to be. Stylistically Fuguet draws the reader in right away as Matías’s invisible companion. He confides in you and only you, since there’s no one else he can stand anymore. Isolating himself from friend after friend, he gains his reader’s pity and trust, but then messes up so bad you want not just to shut the book, but to smack him. Rarely have I felt as emotionally attached to a character both positively and negatively as to Matías. He’s an intelligent idiot, a loveable jerk. At times I wasn’t so much entertained as morbidly fascinated by his story. I’d pick up the book merely because I felt sorry for him. How many books can do that?

Note: I was told to read this book after asking for an easy read by a Chilean author in the Spanish language. I highly recommend it to anyone in that (admittedly small) boat.

Snow Crash

by Neal Stephenson

The stage doesn’t need to be set for the reader to make sense of Neal Stephenson’s future USA. Instead he grabs his reader by the throat and plunges him into a seemingly alien but somehow very real world on the brink of utter destruction. And what a disgusting, corrupt mess of a world it is. If it weren’t for the utter lovability of the novel’s two foci, Y.T. and Hiro Protagonist, the cataclysmic threats presented here wouldn’t be all that unnerving. It isn’t until one considers how eerily similar the life they’re fighting for is to our own that things really start to get scary.

Presented in dialogue even quicker than it is hip coupled with uncompromisingly dark yet hilarious description, Stephenson could not have told this story more vividly with a multi million dollar Hollywood production. Hiro needs to "goggle in" to his computer to enter the parallel cyberspace "Metaverse", but the reader just needs to turn the pages of Snow Crash to be part of the always increasingly hardcore action. Every two chapters or so the story alternates gears between the aptly named Hiro Protagonist’s conspiracy investigations and the dirty work of the fifteen year old thrasher Y.T.. From swordfights and Sumerian myth to high speed highway surfing and brainwashed cults, this pair covers all bases on their manic mission to save the world from what they no as little about as the reader. Yet somehow that doesn’t matter. The story manages to be equally gripping when talking about the Tower of Babel as when describing the sudden harpooning of five people by a bloodthirsty killer.

It is impossible to outline the plot of this action-mystery without somewhat tainting the experience that is in store for the reader. That fact is a testament to the author’s ability to, among the chaotic detail, engage the reader’s raw senses with an atmosphere so full of mystery that each scrap of truth he offers is met ravenously. Stephensons words at once entertain, puzzle, and entice throughout the novel. At its core lies the intriguing dilemma that is the origin of human language, and how it was separated into the myriad tongues that make it up today. However English came to be, its lucky to have an inventor like Neal Stephenson for a steward.

Read this book!

Ezeiza

Aeropuerto Internacional Ministro Pistarini
Ezeiza, Buenos Aires, Argentina
Second floor, near International Departure gates
(Leftmost of three fountains)

This brass fountain provided a much needed drink after having spent $18 USD on a seemingly contrived mandatory airport tax. Despite the warmer than desirable temperature, the taste was rich and refreshing. Highly recommended, considering what appears to be a general lack of drinking fountains in metropolitan Latin America.

Taste: 8
Comfort: 6
Temperature: 7
Trajectory: 9
Pressure: 9
User Interface: 8